Chapter 7: Leicestershire

Known as the LA of the mid-Midlands, Leicester, and its surrounding shire (Leicestershire), spreads itself (themselves) over the surface of the Earth, like a big picnic blanket unfurled by a giant keen to impress a potential mate. Today, friendly families mill about, enjoying the super-malls and burger-slurp huts. But long ago, things were very different – for wickedness and necromancy were commonplace and people didn’t know where to put their hands for fear of touching something detestable. From the Leicester Leader, 1642:

“Leicester’s Mayoral Cabinet Majority has rubber-stamped emergency powers to counter this year’s forecast possessed snowman threat.

“Last Yuletide, hundreds of sorcery-powered snowmen stormed the village’s administrative centres and killed 200-400 people.

“The parish’s Black Guard Troopers were overrun and defeated.

“The snowmen made no demands and got into Leicester’s History of Tooling Museum on St Duke’s Road, destroying over 4,000 years’ worth of historical artefacts and other trifles.

“Yeomen are still investigating local wizards who may have been responsible for enchanting the rampaging frozen vandals, but have so far achieved little that is printable.

“Centuries ago, villagers enjoyed cordial relations with snowmen. A sketch (pictured) from 1240 shows children playing merrily with Victor the Benign, a friendly local snowman who helped people and who was shocked by evil.”

While we’re on the subject, a tragedy befell sweet-natured Victor the Benign in the late 1800s. Walking home after attending the premier of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations at the Visionplex 3D Multi-Theatre, the freezing plodder was accosted by two vile youths, who proceeded to assault him into a hospital-worthy state. Battered and bed-bound, the morose Victor was visited by close friend Maurice Ponce, who later recalled that: “I tried to comfort Victor, my dear friend, but he was beyond cheer. He cried out ‘no, Maurice, no, I will not be soothed. They’ve given me the cunt! I’ve got the cunt!’.