Glastonbury Tor is a little mountain with a stone tower on top of it. Unimposing, if you were within five miles of it, but looking in the opposite direction, you wouldn’t spot it. No one knows who built the tower, or how or why or when. Some say that the edifice was constructed by ancient aliens, much like the pyramids and the Eiffel Tower. Truly, the thing is a delight to the eye – and the touch: many claim its stone walls feel like lukewarm otter fur.
The tower has no roof, probably so that air can get out, and belonged to the late St Michael, a local saint who collected roofless towers on hills. Visitors are invited to visit the tower by walking up the mound its on towards it until they get to it. When they’ve done that, they are free to look around and then walk back down the hill to their cars and drive off. Sometimes pagans creep up to the thing at midnight to conduct ceremonies, such as marriage, divorce and child maintenance hearings.
Though tales of moonlit ecstasies led by licentious dwarf folk of yester-lands have long surrounded the building, of most note is its proximity to King Jasper’s tomb, the resting place of the Middle England sovereign who ruled the area some long time ago. In 1982, it was finally resolved to pierce the regal’s sepulchre. The Voice of Somerset and some News reported:
“The mighty and sacred tomb of Somerset’s King Jasper is to be opened at the behest of a controversial radio show.
“The tomb has sat unmolested for over 500 years. This Saturday, however, DJs from Radio Somerset’s ‘Afternoon in the Afternoon’ show will smash their way into the revered vault with pickaxes and bats.
“It is hoped the blasphemous mission, which is set to be broadcast live, will ‘satisfy many curiosities’.
“King Jasper gallantly led Middle England through a period of calamitous un-calm, facing such gruesome events as the Peking Devil Race, the Plum Virus and the Four-Day Satchel War.
“The respected royal’s reign was regarded as resourceful and robust. Tragically killed by a horse bite in 1635 at around 9.47am, thousands lined the streets to mourn the passing of his wheeled death-cottage.
“But now his final resting place is to be disturbed in the name of meddlesome interest.
“Baron Vicar Kolob, of Cathedral & PLC, warned: ‘This disturbance will not go unnoticed by the Lord, who will be inflamed and who will likely avenge the dead and living alike with pain, humiliation and possibly explosives.’
“The snooping investigators were given the green light for their impious intrusion by Somerset’s Reserval Mayor, Len Van Taito, who has been blessed with full mayoral powers whilst the Boss Mayor continues to be held by the Thai authorities.
“Rumours have long abound that the crypt contains monies, magical powers and rare spices. DJ Ganja Toi’lette, who is heading up the unpopular errand, said: ‘We hope to find monies, magical powers and rare spices.’”
The mission, such that it was, failed disastrously when rooks, jackdaws and other corvids took exception to the loud drilling and blitzed the radio crew with clawing dives. Bloodied and terrified, the profane broadcasters retreated to a nearby snack’n’relax bar, where the sight of a visiting flock of Spanish girl-students distracted them. To this day, no one since has been foolhardy enough to reattempt the excavation. Perhaps one day you will?
Mysterious EnGland 
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