If you go north of Hereford city, and then east, and then south, you may end up in Westhide: an inoffensive hamlet that wouldn’t harm a fly. Or would it?
Erected sometime during the reign of Buster the Ninth, the kooky conurbation houses a number of houses, maintains a few manors and sustains some sheds. To pass through it today is to experience the melancholy wistfulness of a time long gone. The church clock gongs on the hour, informing all those listening what the time is – not that there’s anyone listening: everyone’s tucked up indoors, headphones on, playing Grand Theft Tetris on Zoom.
All this niceness, however, was disrupted in 1990. The Westhide Times and News reported:
“A singing monkey has taken up residence in the village.
“The two-foot simian, said to have descended from the forest treetops of Cornwall, is coated in an unusual blue fur and delivers sweet, mellifluous lullabies along with jaunty ballads, all from within the shady cover of deep shrubberage.
“The creature’s song has moved many villagers to tears. Villager Dunter Vial said: ‘I was moved to tears by the creature’s song.’
“But officials are becoming concerned that the miniature ape could have sinister intentions. Councillor Ray Phosphorus, who manages the skies and woods, believes the monkey is malicious. However, during a High Chamber junket on Wednesday, Cllr Chum Pot accused Phosphorus of ‘spouting shit’, adding that ‘you don’t like anything, you don’t’.
“Both men were later escorted from the building by two escorts, with whom they then settled down for the night in the nearby Nigel Havers Hotel complex.
“Meanwhile, the chirping chimp continues to intrigue and move its victims.”
Though the above story provided a few days amused distraction for London liberal elite types over their sourdough and sauerkraut, its legacy was to prove devastating for Westhide in the coming years.
Pop sensation Miley Cyrus was booked to perform at the hamlet’s harvest festival Easter Saturday event, until she got wind of the tale. “None of that for me. Creepy” she tweeted on Facebook, despite the fact that the monkey had been tracked, shot and mounted by local poacher Randy Kindle several years before. Kindle offered to show Cyrus his mount, which he kept in his kitchen/bathroom, but the edgy star refused to countenance the gig. The incident cost the village thousands in money and led to a string of grisly suicides.
Mysterious EnGland 
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